A Day in the Life of a Proverbs 31 Husband

Laura Droege:

Funny!

Originally posted on Tim's Blog - Just One Train Wreck After Another:

Hey Pal!

I know I’ve owed you an email for a while. Sorry about not staying in touch, but life here has been crazy. Just as a for instance, here’s what yesterday was like for me.

9:00 – Got out of bed. I woke up earlier but my wife told me to sleep in because she had everything covered. I have so much confidence in her I just had to roll over and go back to sleep.

9:05 – She brought me breakfast all the way from the kitchen on the other side of the house. And this house is HUGE. I mean, I don’t mean to boast but with the money she brings home from her flax and wool factory she insisted I should enjoy the lifestyle she can afford to give me.

10:00 – I headed to the city park to brag about my wife. Seriously, those other…

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What You Don’t Know About Immigration (by Bronwyn Lea)

For those of us who are natural-born American citizens, we may not think about immigration or immigrants very much. If we do, it’s often in the context of illegal immigration or the political rhetoric argued on news shows. Even for the immigrants who are documented, we don’t stop to consider their precarious legal position. It’s very easy to think, Get a green card, people! without ever considering how difficult it is to obtain one. It’s easy to think, Why aren’t they citizens by now? without considering how difficult that process is, too. After all, we’ve never had to do it. Not here, at least.

So meet Bronwyn Lea: Christian, wife, mom, speaker, writer, and I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot of other things! She hails from South Africa, and she’s got a unique view on immigration because she is an immigrant. Please read her words. They are powerful.   

In the ten years I have lived in the United States, people have often been shocked when I tell them that not only do I not have a green card, but that I couldn’t get one even if I tried.

I would love to be the holder of a green card—that elusive piece of paper which would grant me the right to remain in the US indefinitely—but as it is, I don’t and can’t qualify. There is not a single category under which I can legally apply for permanent residence.

(Click here to read the rest.)

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Considerably Rumpled in Spirit

Laura Droege:

I really appreciate Stephanie’s thoughts here on the impact that Gilbert Blythe (and Jonathan Crombie’s portrayal of him) had on her life. Gilbert didn’t ask Anne to change for him; he loved her unconditionally; he was willing to let her go, even though it hurt him, if she did not return his feelings.

Sometimes I think that it’s easy to devalue what actors do as trivial or not relevant to our daily lives. (Christians can be bad about this, I’ve learned.) But J. Crombie’s portrayal of Gilbert inspired young girls and told them that, yes, there are men who will love you and treat you well and respect your dreams and work. It spoke truth to them, a truth that many, many young women need to hear. That is valuable.

Originally posted on Garden Variety Neurosis Redux:

Rest in peace. You will always be Gilbert Blythe in my heart. Rest in peace. You will always be Gilbert Blythe in my heart.

The sun is setting, and the apartment is quiet. My son has been sleeping awhile now, and I am taking this evening to watch Anne of Green Gables. It seems the only proper way to say goodbye to Jonathan Crombie, who passed away on April 15.  The world is only learning of his death today, and to say that some of us have felt heartache over this loss is an understatement. Anne of Green Gables marathons are happening in homes everywhere tonight.

Gilbert Blythe was my first literary crush, and no one since has been able to compare with him. Why is Gilbert Blythe so endearing? What was it about Gilbert Blythe that fed the dreams of girls of my generation, and generations since?

gilbert-blythe-580x835

He was tall and handsome. He had a great sense of humor. He was…

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Why Syria Matters

Laura Droege:

In an article in The Guardian about the fighting in Yarmouk, an activist is quoted as saying, “What I feel and most of the people who left and survived feel is complete disappointment and absolute sadness, and a feeling of betrayal … most importantly from the international community.”

Why, when there are so many other pressing things in my life, should I care about Syria? Because those in Yarmouk are human. I MUST care about others. Turning a blind eye is not an option.

Originally posted on The Legal Student:

 

hasin-armin-the-legal-student-why-syria-matters Residents of the besieged Palestinian camp of Yarmouk line up to receive food supplies in Damascus, Syria, Jan. 31, 2014. AP/UNRWA

Hasin Amin, LLM LPC student, University of Law, Manchester

The Syria conflict began as a peaceful uprising for democracy in a country that was run by a corrupt, minority elite. It has now spiralled into the worst humanitarian disaster since the Second World War. We are thousands of miles away so one could ask why it is our concern. My answer is this: as humans we can only take so much, but it is because we are human that we have to do something before a country is completely obliterated. This is why Syria matters.

It is impossible to imagine being there in March 2011 taking part in demonstrations with your fellow people. There must have been an overwhelming atmosphere of hope and liberation and a sense of new…

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Blog schedule, novel writing, and being invisible at church (again)

Two things.

Number one. I’ve written that I’m starting a new novel. It’s going well, in case you were wondering, but it’s also exhausting: pouring all my creative energies into a first draft doesn’t leave me with enough creative energy to blog several times a week.

So I’m cutting back on my blog until I finish the first draft of The Color of Bones. (That’s my tentative title. Please don’t tell me if some other novel is named that! Or please do, because then I can rename it.)  At the rate I’m going, I should hit my goal of 80,000 words by the end of June.

Until then, I’ll blog once a week. You can use all that time you’d normally spend reading my posts doing something meaningful. (Like watching cat videos on YouTube.)

Number two, on a more serious note. A year and a half ago, I wrote a post called “Me, the Invisible Woman in the Church Pew.” I received quite a few comments. I’m still receiving comments on the post and even the occasional private email, many of them telling heartbreaking stories of being rejected in church.

(I don’t fit in at church is one of the top searches that brings people to my blog. Variations include cliques at church, church cliques, and invisible at church.)

Today, using the information made available by the commenter, I made a chart of their demographics: gender, age, marital status, and whether the person was an introvert or extrovert. I was trying to see what, if any, common denominators they held. Geography didn’t seem to be a factor. Most people didn’t mention denomination or theology.

Out of twenty commenters, sixteen were female, four male. There were a variety of ages and marital statuses mentioned; some mentioned children, others did not.

I had to do a little guessing about the introversion versus extraversion trait. Not everyone mentioned it. But of those who did mention it, a significant percent said they were introverts. This included people who said they had actively tried to participate in church activities, even when they were uncomfortable in groups or were rejected.

These were not passive, sit-on-the-pews types of people who waited for others to come to them. They volunteered. They did Bible studies, led Bible studies, organized fellowships. They did things that many introverts would be exhausted by doing and may or may not have been gifted and called to do.

Yet they still identified with being invisible at church.

Something is wrong.

I know that many pastors and church leaders would recognize this as an issue in their church. But recognizing a problem and finding a solution are two different things. To a certain extent, this problem won’t be resolved in this life; some people are going to be cliquish and unfriendly and show superficial concern for others no matter what. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try.

So I’d like to hear from those in positions of power (and influence) at church. It doesn’t matter what position, whether you’re paid staff or a volunteer.

  1. How do you perceive this problem? Is it a problem in your congregation?
  2. What are you doing—or have thought about doing—to promote a genuinely friendly church atmosphere? Beyond friendliness, what do you do to promote genuine, deep relationships between the people in your congregation?
  3. Finally, what would you like to see the “invisible people” do? In other words, what do you expect from us, particularly those who have been in the church for years and still don’t feel accepted?

In my experience, it’s relatively easy to help first time visitors feel welcome. (Note “relatively.” I didn’t say it happened often.) They’re more easily identified, for one thing.

By comparison, it’s much harder to help those long time church attenders or members who feel excluded, even after years of attending the same church. They may be involved in volunteer work, etc., and still never feel a part of the church body.

I welcome your thoughts, whether you’re a church leader or not. If you have ideas, please share them.

Categories: Christianity, church | Tags: , | 14 Comments

Objectification, Storytelling, and the Male Body (a post by Elizabeth Mallory)

Last week, Liz Mallory wrote a great post on an issue that’s bugged me for a while: objectification of the male body. Objectification of the female body surrounds us, and as a woman, I’m well aware of it. I gnash my teeth over it and throw hissy fits about it and protest it. But objectification of the male body is wrong, too, and it can be very subtle and even pass without comment. But if I, as a female, don’t want my body to be viewed as an object, then I shouldn’t view males as objects, either. 

And this principle is true in storytelling, too. Read Liz’s post and share your thoughts, either at her site or here.  

Objectification, Storytelling, and the Male Body

The sexualization of women is everywhere. Hot women sell cars and stretch slinkily across billboards. Attractive actresses are cast in roles without personality or agency. Leaked nudes make magazine sales skyrocket.

The female body is worth a lot in America.

The problem isn’t that we attribute beauty to a woman. The problem is when that attribute becomes the sole piece of information we know or care about in regards to her. 

Read the rest here.

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The Close Enemies of Pity and Compassion: What’s the Difference?

This past week, I finally got around to reading Louise Penny’s novel The Cruelest Month. This is also the title of my first completed novel. When I first found out that the title was “taken,” I was a bit miffed. But after an embarrassingly long period of time, I got over it, laughed at my silliness, and read my first Penny novel. Loved it. So I’ve worked my way through her series.

In The Cruelest Month, psychologist Myrna is talking to Chief Inspector Armand Gamache of the Sûreté du Québec. While they are chatting about the various people in the town of Three Pines, she mentions an interesting phrase: the near enemy. Gamache is intrigued and asks her to explain.

“ ‘The near enemy. It’s a psychological concept. Two emotions that look the same but are actually opposites. The one parades as the other, is mistaken for the other, but one is healthy and the other’s sick, twisted.’ (. . . )

“ ‘There are three couplings,’ said Myrna, herself leaning forward now, and whispering though she didn’t know why. ‘Attachment masquerades as Love, Pity as Compassion and Indifference as Equanimity.’”

–Louise Penny, The Cruelest Month, page 197

What’s the difference, Gamache asks. Myrna explains:

Compassion sees the needy person as an equal. Pity sees that same person as inferior.

This made me wonder how many of our charitable efforts are done from an attitude of superiority? Do we see the recipient as our equal or our inferior? Has pride crept into our hearts?

Years ago, I read a quote in a Donald Miller book. I can’t remember the exact wording, nor do I have the book anymore. But it went like this, “We all like to give to charity, but no one likes to be charity.”

Why? It’s humbling to be charity. Part of that is simply the human desire not to admit our own brokenness and inability to help ourselves.

But another part may be this: we sense that the charity-giver perceives himself as better than we are. They’re in the position of power (giving to fill a lack) versus our powerless position (having a lack that needs to be filled).

One’s full, the other’s empty. One is pitying the other.

Of course, the charity-giver may not perceive the other person that way. They may truly have compassion on us and view us as their equals. In my experience, the most compassionate people are ones who have been through seasons of brokenness and responded with honesty and open hearts, not denial and embittered spirits. This makes them aware that we are all equally broken, giver and receiver alike. There’s no room for pride before the throne of God.

Here’s the problem: from the outside, pity and compassion look the same. The prideful pity-giver and the humbled compassion-giver may both take the same actions: work at the soup kitchen, give a buck or two to the homeless guy, visit the bereaved, say a kind word to a dejected person. The difference lies within the heart.

photo by jclk8888, morgueFile.com
photo by jclk8888, morgueFile.com

The heart isn’t visible. The action is.

So—and I’ve been here—the recipient might feel suspicious of the charitable action. Once, a pastor went out of his way to talk to me while I stood on the group’s outskirts. I dismissed it as pity. He only felt sorry for me, I thought. He didn’t want to talk to me for me, but he felt that he had to because he’s a pastor!

Stop right here for a second. What was wrong here? My response of self-pity and bitterness. (Not to mention a warped way of looking at another person initiating a conversation with me.) At this point, the recipient (me) needed to work on my attitude. I couldn’t do anything about the other person’s attitude or actions, only my own.

Just because others show only pity for someone and view them as inferior doesn’t mean that person can’t have a meaningful and beautiful life. But living in self-pity and bitterness isn’t life and is anything but beautiful.

(Want a literary example? See the character of Agent Nicol in Penny’s Gamache series. Trust me, you do not want to be Agent Yvette Nicol.)

We’re only responsible for our own response.

If I’m the recipient of charity, then I can choose to respond with gratitude or bitterness. The attitude of the giver is not within my power.

If I’m the giver of charity, then I can choose to view the other person as my equal or my inferior. The response of the receiver isn’t within my power.

The results of one choice may be more obvious than the other. (That’s why the “close enemies” are pity and compassion, not gratitude and bitterness.) You’re more likely to be aware of your own bitter response than aware of your own pride and attitude of superiority.

Either way, it’s important to search our hearts. We’re all equals before God. Let’s use this knowledge to extend compassion to others, not pity.

 

 

 

Categories: attitude | Tags: , , | 10 Comments

Stories (and lives) that end well

photo on PEXELS

photo on PEXELS

In reading submissions for Ruminate, one of the more frustrating story failures is this: the poor ending.

  • No resolution. The major story question is never answered.
  • The deus ex machina solution. God or superhero or suddenly powerful figure appearing from nowhere drops a convenient solution on the seemingly insolvable problem.
  • The story that doesn’t want to end. There’s a resolution, the story questions are answered, and all is well in story-land, but then the author continues on. And on. And on. Depending on the length of the story, it could be five more paragraphs or five more pages or five more chapters before the author types “The End.”
  • The clichéd ending. The “whole world before them” ending has been done too often, as if everyone wants to pay homage to Paradise Lost without reading it. News flash: if you are reading my blog, then you are not John Milton. (And if you are J.M., please go back to quietly decaying in your grave, okay? You’ve ruffled my feminist feathers enough.)

Of the four problems, the lack of resolution issue sticks in my craw.  

Whenever I’m reading a particularly great submission, I’m half reading and half hoping that the author ends well. If she does, great. I can click “yes” without hesitation, if all else works. But if she doesn’t end well, I am frustrated.

I need to have the major conflict resolved in a satisfactory way, one that makes sense in the world of the story. I don’t have to like it. But I need that sense of closure. Or, if the lack of resolution is deliberate, I need to sense that this was a deliberate decision on the author’s part and not a failure to include the final page of the submission.

Over at Chip MacGregor’s blog, literary agent Erin Buterbaugh has begun a new series called “How to Ruin a Book at the Last Minute.” She writes,

“(B)ut there has to be some kind of resolution (a “story” is defined at its most basic, after all, as having a beginning, middle and end), and  the reader does have to be left with the sense that the author is still in control of his universe and is fully aware of the lack of resolution rather than feeling like the author has been stringing them along and dumped them in the middle of nowhere without a map, or worse still, that the author has forgotten about the plot holes, unsolved mysteries, and unfinished subplots. The former feels like a con on the part of the author, and the latter like bad craftsmanship.”

So finishing well matters.

Isn’t this also true in life?

In 2 Timothy, the apostle Paul writes to his close friend Timothy,

 6For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. 7I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; 8in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing. (2 Timothy 4:6-8)

I thought of these verses as I read Erin’s blog post. Paul was in prison. While he’d faced deadly perils before (floggings, shipwrecks, stoning, imprisonment), this time the end was certain: he would be executed. How had he lived his life?

Acts 20:24
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me–the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

1 Corinthians 9:2526
Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air.

His one desire: to complete the race well.

How? By aiming toward that end and pressing on relentlessly.

There’s a certain inherent conflict in life. We all know death will come for each of us. For the Christian, from the time of justification, glorification is the certain end.

To use story terms, that conflict is resolved. The story question—will I go to heaven?—is answered. But just because that question is answered doesn’t make the process any less important. And the ending part of that process matters just as much as the beginning.

Think about this:

In a classic murder mystery, the reader expects the hero-detective (Adam Dalgliesh or Armand Gamache or whoever) to unmask the killer. Who is it? We don’t know. How will he figure it out? We don’t know that either. That’s why we keep reading.

But we wouldn’t keep reading if Gamache just gave up ten pages from the end of the novel. Threw up his hands, declared that justice didn’t matter, and that he really just wanted to sit down with a glass of wine and a good book and vegetate.

Or if he did aimless things that had nothing to do with the case: went to the beach or partied at the nightclub. He’d end up with a nice tan or a terrific hangover, but when we reached the last page, we still don’t know whodunit.

Talk about a failure to resolve story conflict. Talk about a bad ending.

If you’re familiar with either P.D. James’ Dalgliesh or Louise Penny’s Gamache, you know that neither man would do this. They’re Pauline in their zeal for justice and relentless pursuit of the killer. There’s no aimless air-boxing or treadmill-jogging.

They want the conflict resolved.

They want that answer.

They want to finish well.

And that’s how we should be in our lives. Take aim for the finish line, pursue it wholeheartedly, and cross that finish line to hear God say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Now that’s a good ending.

 

Categories: Christianity, writing | Tags: , , | 5 Comments

Framing the world

“When we think we are using language, language is using us. As linguist Dwight Bolinger put it (using a military metaphor), language is like a loaded gun: It can be fired intentionally but it can wound or kill just as surely when fired accidentally. The terms in which we talk about something shape the way we think about it—and even what we see.” –Deborah Tannen, The Argument Culture, p.14

Maybe you’ve had this happen to you. You’re reading a book that makes you think in different terms than you normally do. It’s about gender or race, methods of dialogue or topics of debate, anything that seeks to categorize the world or break down preexisting categories of the world: you look up from the page and start seeing references to this topic everywhere. And as you read about the topic, that book and its terms influence how you view these new references.

A good example is what happened while I was reading The Argument Culture.

Tannen’s book talks about male/female roles in “aggressive” or “conflicted” behavior. Males tend to roughhouse, trade insults in their conflicts. Females form arguments by appearing to avoid arguments. (Obviously, this is simplification of a continuum of gender behaviors.)

Then, as I sat at my daughter’s gymnastics practice, I saw a strange thing.

A young boy, tween-aged or slightly younger, sat beside a woman, presumably his mother. He was roughhousing with her: grabbed her upper arm, twisted it, ran his fingers down her spine (tickling?). His mother allowed this, often punching, playfully, in return. When he grabbed her hair, she grabbed his. It was only when he slapped her arm that she put an end to it; the slap was loud enough that I heard it from several bleacher rows behind them in a loud gym facility.

The behavior struck me as odd.

First, an authority figure allowed this playful-but-aggressive touch from someone who was both old enough to know better and big enough to do serious damage.

Second—and this was the stranger part to me—was the gender and age differences. It was a hierarchical male-female pairing, with the female in the authoritative position.

  • If the roughhousing had been between two male equals (brothers, classmates), it wouldn’t have seemed out of place. I remember junior high boys being this way.
  • If it had been a brother-sister pairing (equal ages, different genders) I might’ve found it strange but not abnormal.
  • If it had been two equal females seems unlikely. Perhaps between sisters or close female friends in childhood, this might happen; I can’t see any adult females acting this way unless they were trying to do damage to the other woman.

But the mother-son dynamic struck me as bizarre. That a female authority figure wouldn’t tell him, no, you don’t treat adults this way, was baffling and disturbing.

But if I hadn’t been reading Tannen’s words about aggression and conflict in male and female behavior, would I have reacted by analyzing the encounter according to these terms?

Would I have characterized his behavior as aggressive? Would I have interpreted her return behavior as conflicted, telling him no, no, but laughing until he hurt her? Would I have noticed this at all, or merely been ticked off that they disturbed my reading time?

And perhaps my analysis of this mother-son dynamic wasn’t accurate. Had I tapped either person on the shoulder and said, “Hey, do you know what I see going on here?” perhaps they would have been startled to hear my description.

“It wasn’t like that at all!” they might’ve protested and substituted their own version(s), complete with different adjectives and verbs. He “tugged” her hair, not “yanked,” for example. Or given that all-purpose reason: it was just a joke! (The implication being that if I fail to understand the joke, the problem isn’t that the joke isn’t funny but that I don’t have a sense of humor.)

But my then-current thoughts had been formed by someone else’s terms. Accurately or not, those terms superimposed themselves upon my perception of the world around me. When I view the world within those terms and categories, it becomes a framing device: the world shifts to fit that frame.

My perception of the world, that is: the real world is still itself. Absolutes do exist, even when they are inconvenient for my personal desires or don’t fit neatly within my philosophical framework. I may be reading and thinking about zero gravity, but if I’m on planet Earth, that absolute law of gravity is reality. Saying that I can fly and jumping off a building won’t prove anything other than my delusional state of mind.

Everyone has presuppositions about the world. Often we can’t see them until we bump up against something that doesn’t quite fit. It startles us. I know I’ve run into these before, about things ranging from my inner psyche to God’s nature to racial perceptions to gender roles in marriage and church. These moments of impact (my experience hitting the wall of my framework—whamp, bam, ouch!) caused me to stumble back and see that wall (surely it wasn’t there a second ago, was it?) and reconsider things around me.

Ultimately, it leads to a choice: what do I do with this new knowledge?

Do I close my eyes and pretend that the reality doesn’t exist?

Do I open my eyes and consider whether my philosophical presuppositions are truthful?

Have those terms, the ones I’ve allowed to define the world, defined it accurately or inaccurately?

Are they still useful or do they misguide my view of the world and others around me? Are they harmful?

That’s why it’s important to use our categorizing terms carefully.

 

 

Categories: attitude, relationships | Tags: , , , , | 9 Comments

Starting a new novel

I shared on Monday how my grandfather died last week and that the burial was that morning. (Thank you for all the sympathy, by the way. I really appreciate it.) There’s a bit of a strange story tied to all of this.

Recently, I had started a new novel. Last Monday, I stopped work. It was horrible. Everything was going wrong, nothing was going right, and every attempt to correct the improbable parts of the plot (and there were many) made things worse. I wrote in my writer’s journal, “Is this like that 2nd novel, pointless & pathetic?” Yes.

I was in despair. More journal angst: I can’t do this, I told God, I can’t do this, it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do, the only thing I have—I should just give up. . . . (Who, me? Melodramatic? No way.)

I knew I wanted to write about race, specifically a mixed race romantic relationship. But how?

I sat on my sofa, clutching a pillow and sobbing, and an image came to mind. It was a childhood memory, one of my first. Out of concern for family privacy and not wanting to hurt those involved, I’ve never discussed it online. Nor will I now.

But my grandfather was a pivotal figure in the situation. And the situation, even though I was not directly involved, impacted my life and how I viewed relationships, and led me to believe that I could destroy my family by making one wrong choice. Or even a choice that others perceived as wrong, even if it was morally neutral or good.

From that childhood memory, a story formed in my mind. A people-pleasing girl who fears destroying her family, a bigoted grandfather who is overly-involved in her life, a budding romance with a boy of a different race . . .

This story scared me. It was too autobiographical, even if no one else realized it (but family would realize, I knew.) Still, what did I have to lose? I started writing.

The next morning, while I was working on the new novel, my mother called: my grandfather had died the previous night.

There’s still much that was unresolved from the childhood situation, things that carried over through my teens and college years. Especially college. In the past few months, all my college issues have come crashing down over me. I spent my twenties dealing with misdiagnosed and then newly diagnosed mental illness.

Now I get to deal with the rest of it: finding my voice, realizing that I’m equal to men, knowing how to be assertive and handle conflict, things like that.

All the things my young protagonist wrestles with in my novel.

As I drove to pick up my daughters, I was thinking about the novel. Suddenly, I could hear my protagonist. Not audibly. In my head, I heard my character and knew her, knew how she would tell her story, knew how to frame her story. I stopped in the carpool line, grabbed my writer’s journal, and wrote the first few hundred words before they disappeared amidst the chaos of kids’ homework and school information and everything that accompanies my daughters’ arrival home.

This book is writing itself.

In some strange way, I think that God is giving me the opportunity to resolve my issues through writing this novel. Maybe. We’ll see.

Other writers, have you ever had anything like this happen to you?

Categories: writing | 11 Comments

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